Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
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I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?