Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
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I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.