today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
You Might Also Like
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.