My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
You Might Also Like
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
True
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…