hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
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Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.