[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
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Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.