Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
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How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.