Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
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subtitles are so good nowadays
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Happy Thanksgiving
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together