dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
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[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???