“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
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Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”