I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
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A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid