12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
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GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best