Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
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I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
When news reporters do sports stories
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real