Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
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Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
October already? What’s next? November????
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
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I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!