Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
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4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
eggs benadryl
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad