A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
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I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!