damn he’s good
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[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…