Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
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A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
WTF IS THAT!
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it