Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
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Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
wait.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”