Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
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Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared