If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
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Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
i actually laughed 😩
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
plums roundup
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.