Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
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To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Never forget.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.