Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
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Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
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fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe