I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
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Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”