neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
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It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.