When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
You Might Also Like
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
My birthstone is kidney
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
My blood type is b hungry.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.