The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
You Might Also Like
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.