Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
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Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work