I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
You Might Also Like
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
gentlemen, hear me out
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people