A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
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I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror