It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
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Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!