Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
You Might Also Like
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
the three branches of government