8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
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[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep