today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
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How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup