People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
You Might Also Like
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM