6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
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I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.