*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
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I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.