My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
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You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
when mom throws a party…
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”