ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
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A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist