Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
You Might Also Like
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
This a good idea
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Comparing yourself to others
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.