After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
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Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.