Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
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All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.