HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
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-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.