I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
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I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.