Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
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Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I’ve been learning to cook.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.