“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
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Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
and this one
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Me irl
im all 3
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.