Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
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I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!