*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
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Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.