Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
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Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check