*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
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Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone